Ok, so i havnt updated in forever but so much has happened lately. (Sorry i worried you Emma). The good news is, ive officially moved out of home and im now living with Olivia (my beautiful one) and her parents are now my guardians! Yay! This is probably one of the best things that has ever happened in my whole life!

So basically, about a month ago, i saw my father again, and no surprises at what happened. The only difference this time was that i was so sick of it that i did something about it. When i went back to Olivia's house that morning, she took one look at me and knew what had happened. She told her Mum and her mum had a really big chat with me and i ended up crying so much and i just broke down completely. Her Mum (Jane) told me that i really had to do something, and that i shouldnt be letting him get away with it. Its something that so many people have been telling me for so long but i finally understood it. First, we went down to the hospital where i had a rape kit done - not fun! Some of my regular nurses were there and they told me they had the feeling this was going on for a long time and asked why i didnt tell them. I just cried and told them i was sorry, and that it had been happening for so long that i felt powerless. One of my nurses Suzie, gave me the biggest hug and she cried too. One of my arms was severly bruised and i had slight concusion so they decided to admit me overnight.

Then the police came down to the hospital to talk to me. They asked me so many questions and i had to somehow get them out with them being able to understand me through sobs. At the end they basically told me that they had enough evidence to press charges if thats what i wanted to do. Part of me wanted to lay charges against him, and another part of me wanted it all to be forgotten. In the end i decided to have the charges put against him, in the hope that he didnt do it to anyone else. That was such a hard decision.

After a few hours my Mother came down and started going ballistic. She accused me of being a little liar and that i was disgusting. Security was called and they took her away. I was distraught. Everything was happening so fast and i didnt know what to do or say or think - all i could do was cry. Suzie came in and comforted me and for once in my life i felt cared for. I fell asleep and woke up early the next morning. Olivia and her Mum came to get me, and they took me back home. I was told that the next day i had to go to court and testify against my father, then i found out that Jane and Phil (Livi's Parents) had applied for gaurdianship over me - i was so thankful. I also applied for a restraining order against my Mother.

I want to skip over the next bit because its all too painful. Basically my father is now in prison and i have no contact with my mother. Im now happy with my "family" and life is getting better! Im back at school and i dont dread going home anymore, because now my home is safe - and i love it!

I still think about my beautiful Scarlette everyday - i miss her so much!!! When i think about that time i feel like hurling. It brings me so much pain. But i know my beautiful girl is still with me and sh will always be my gorgeous baby.

Mark and I decided to go our seperate ways. It was hard but we are still great friends. Really close friends actually. Everything was just putting strain on our relationship and after Scarlette it all kind of fell apart. We may get back together in the future, we dont know, but we have vowed to always be friends and that means everything to us.

So thats basically everything thats happened while i have been online.

To my beautiful Emma, i love you sweety - so much. You have been such a support to me. I hope your okay!

I must apologise for not updating in so long but my life has no meaning to do so.

In my last entry i wrote about how i was pregnant and how excited i was about that, and how excited Mark was too. Well we were excited, and were excited for 6 whole months before our world fell apart.

Scarlette Emma was born on the 6th of March 2006 at 2:30 am.
She left us at 4:00 am.

For the whole hour and a half she was with us she brought more joy than anything else has ever brought me. As i held her in my arms she looked at me and in her eyes i saw the rest of my life. I onl got to hold her for a short moment. But that was the most precious moment of my life. It was an hour later that my beautiful baby passed away, and my joy was gone. My beautiful Scarlette.... she was the most beautiful little thing i had ever seen in my life. She was so tiny! My baby! *tears* there isnt a day that goes by that i dont miss her and i wish that i could hold her in my arms, kiss her head and never lether go. Everyday i blame myself! I didnt give her the right body.. i didnt give her what she needed and its my fault she is gone. My baby died because of me.

The doctors.. they just looked at me like i was such a stupid gal. Like they knew this was going to happen and they knew it was my fault too. When she was born they told me they wernt sure she would make it because she was too small -too cold. But she was my baby and i had faith that she would be ok. When Mark came in and told me she was gone. We both cried together. I screamed and sobbed saying "no! this cant be right no not my baby!". It wasnt right! it wasnt fair!!!!! My baby girl is gone.

Mark was so upset that after i went to sleep - they gave me a sedative. He left. He wrote me a note to say he was going away for a while. That he needed time to move on and clear his head. That just my world fall apart even more. Ive talked to him on the phone and he is coming home in a few days which im very excited about. But i miss him so much i just want to hug him and tell him that im sorry... that im so sorry for losing his child! i pray that he will forgive me!

I went into labour that day for a reason that i have not disclosed to anyone as of now. I had stayed at Mark's for the entire time i was pregnant until that day. That was the day i was going home to tell my parents what was going on. I secretely hoped that maybe me bringing a child would make them happy. That maybe they would love me for once... i was wrong. As soon as i walked in my mother saw me (and i was obviously pregnant at that time) and she just looked at me and said "you dirty little whore, you fucking little slut! look what youve done!" I will never forget those words or the look on her face. She looked disgusted, like she had just seen the most disgusting thing in the world. "Mum please! i want you to listen to me! i want this child, mark and i are hapy, we want to be parents please mum!" i begged her. Her reply was "you couldnt raise a child if you were the fittest mother on the planet. You are no child of mine. and neither is the one inside of you. You dirty little cunt!" I could feel tears welling in my eyes. It was one thing for her to insult me but for her to insuly my baby - that was enough. "ill just grab some things and ill leave then ok!". "No you wont you whore, what makes you think you even deserve the clothes on your back, what makes you think you even deserve to be alive? I know one thing for sure and thats that every day i regret ever giving birth to you." the tears came out now and i turned to her and said " dont worry mother, there isnt a day that goes by that i dont regret ever being born". I thought that was exactly wat she wanted tohear but aparently it wasnt. "you ungreatful little bitch!" she screamed and she walked towards me and pushed me so hard i slammed into the wall and fell on the floor. I was then that blood started seeping from me and my stomach was filed with a pain that was unbearable. I screamed and started crying. "Mum please.. call an ambulance!" She just laughed "if you think im dealing with this your wrong" and she walked outside. My own mother left me on the floor when i and my baby were clearly in a lot of danger. I couldnt move but i had to crawl into my room to grab the phone. I called Mark and told him, im still amazed he understood me i was sobbing so hard and letting out screams of pain. Him and his mum came and picked me up and took my to the hospital.

Just remembering this brings tears to my eyes and the biggest pain ever to my heart.

I stayed in hospital for a few days after because i was in danger myself according to my doctors. They said that the energy i used to give birth was more than my body could handle and i needed to rest there for a while. Afterwards i couldnt go home, not after what had happened there. Luckily my friend Olivia had told her parents everything and they set up a room for me. I couldnt believe how much they cared! They actually gave me my own room! I felt more loved by them than i ever have by my own parents!

I rang my mother when i got to Livi's and i told her what happened. Her reaction: "why the hell do you think i would care you dumb slut? it serves you right i told you, you could never be a good mother... you never will be.. your a failure!" Then she hung up.

I havnt spoken to my father since the last time he got what he wanted from me. And i intend not to see him for a long time. The pain he caused me and the damage he has left my body in - i can never forgive him. i feel sick thinking about how many times he has hurt me. How many times so many people have hurt me. If Scarlette had of made it.. i would never, ever let her anywhere near any of those people, or anyone that could hurt her! I pray to god everyday that she is resting peacefully.

Well that is what has happened over the last few months. My life has taken a massive turn and im not sure what to do. All i know is that as long as i have Olivia and Emma... ill be okay.

So i definately know im pregnant. I went to the hospital today and they said i was - thankgod they didnt know anything about my father! Ive told Mark and he is estatic! We are going to be parents!!! Yay!

Im actually excited about it now, im going to be a mum! The only bad thing is that i prob wont get to be in the musical but who cares ive done a zillion!

My parents dont know... i havnt seen my father since the incident. I was so devastated yesterday! I finally got my demos from my producer and guess who happened to answer the door when they came? My mother! She opened it up, played them and then when i got home she told me they were there and pointed to the package on the table. Of coarse i ran over so excited and opened it up only to find that she had snapped them all in half!!! i fell to the floor and balled my eyes out. I was screaming at her why! why did you do this! she just said because ive told you your not going to be some sluttly popstar! i was like but didnt you hear them?! im good mum im really good! She just laughed and told me i was the worst singer she had ever heard! I screamed so much and i was sobbing so hard and she didnt even care! Now all my demos are gone and yet again my chances of sharing my music are gone! My mother always has to ruin it!!!

I cut again after that.. but then i felt bad for my baby! i shouldnt have taken that risk!!! I could have hurt her (im guessing its a girl i find out in a week :) ) or got an infection or anything! im not going to risk her again!

Anyway this was just a short post cause im off to bed - im so tired!

Be Strong,
<3 Maddy xx

P.S - Hey Emz if you read this i promise to catch up soon.

.......... im pregnant.......... *tears*

Oh My gosh! I havnt eaten anything since i got out of hospital and im back down to 81 pounds! Yay! Only a few more to go and ill be back where i was before i was hospitalized and then i can get even lower! I doubt my parents would take me back to hospital anyway - and i wont let them - they just cant see me, ill stay out of their way! Haha ! Im so happy about this!

I think the reason ive lost it so fast is because i have been throwing up heaps today - i dont know why! This morning i was just puking everywhere (not intentionally)! And ive been mega tired - i stayed in bed all day.... im worried.... i cant be pregnant i just cant!

Oh another good thing that happened yesterday was i was in a talent comp and came 1st! heyeah! I did one of my originals called "honestly" and they absoltely loved it! I scored myself 1000 so that aint bad! i might save it for a while and book out a recording studio for a day and do some more demos! I rang up the producer i did them with last time and he said my demo cd should be arriving like in the next few days! im so excited! My music teacher told me that they are casting for the new musical at the beginning of next year which is awesome! I played the lead last time and hopefully i will again this time! It will give me something to work towards seems my one chance at fame got taken away. I remember when i got offered the contract i was so estatic i was crying tears of joy! Then they rang mum to get he permission cuz i was under age and she told them there was no way she would allow me to go off and become "some slutty popstar"

i was shattered! i went home and screamed at her! She kept saying your not even any good whats wrong with these people! and then she told me if she has anything to do with it i will never be famous because and that if i did become famous she would tell the media everything about me and id be gone! I ran to my room, slit my wrists and then went out and showed her - i said see what you make me do! You dont even care about me so why the fuck cant you let me follow my dreams! This is your fault!" The blood was running down my wrists and she just went crazy saying " you fucking psychopath! What did i do to deserve you!" among other things. She slapped me across the face and pulled me to the car. Then she drove me to the hospital and threw me out of the car and just left me there. I had to explain what id done and they fixed up my wrists but they made me stay there for a few days because they thought id do it again. My parents didnt even care and i had to walk home from the hospital. When i got home they didnt even say a word, Mum just kept looking at me and muttering "stupid bitch" under her breath. I still havnt gotten over it. My one chance to share my music with everyone was gone, and i was in pieces! But oh well i guess life goes on.... i still hope that one day i get the chance again.

So Mark is out of town - he has gone to Ireland with his family for a few days to see his grandfather who is really sick so he doesnt know about the vomiting and stuff. He also doesnt know how much weight ive lost. I hope he doesnt notice. He will be mad... very mad! but im sure he will get over it - he is used to it anyway.

One of my teachers came up to me today (when i finally dragged myself out of bed to go to school for my last class) and told me that i looked very thin and if i was ok... i told her im fine and that i just havnt been feeling very well. She gave me one of those looks and said she was always here for me. I know she cares - she has been my drama teacher for 4 years and i know she saw my cuts the other day. I was doing an act and had heaps of bracelets on to cover them, but id forgotten that i had to lift my arm up at one stage and im sure she saw them cuz she gasped and i just stopped andsaid are you ok and she was like yeah i just realised i forgot something... i knew it was suss and it wasnt until later that i realised she had seen them. Plus at the last musical she asked to speak to my parents and when i told her that they hadnt come she asked why and i just said they were out of town. But later on she knew i was lying cause Mum came to pick me up and said "hurry up and get in you little bitch" and my teacher was a few metres away. I figure she probably knows a lot. She is so sweet though and i know she doesnt judge me.

Im feeling really sick right now i think i might go sleep for a while.

Be Strong,
<3 Maddy xx

Well if anyone was wondering why i hadnt poster in a while, i just got back from being hospitalized again. I got down to 77 pounds (new lowest weight!!!) while my parents were holidaying in Hawaii and as soon as they came back they took me straight to hospital - shits! They wernt even worried, they didnt say a thing. They just wanted me there so id be out of their way - well fuck them. I had to stay im hospital for 3 weeks and had a feeding tube and all that shit. I only got out yesterday because im back up to 88 pounds! Ah well ill just lose it all again! haha! show them. I would have only been in there for like 2 and a half weeks if they hadnt caught me purging! And i have to go back there every week so they can monitor me!

So i got home and the first thing i did was cut. Id been waiting too for the entire 3 weeks and it felt so good! Then i went to bed but it wasnt long before my father came in. Fucking raped me again.... I HATE IT!!!! He knew no one else was home so he could get away with it. No matter how loud scream no one hears. I mean fuck i get home from hospital and the first thing he does is fuck me. At least i didnt have to go to hospital for that this time... last time he was fucking me so hard that he broke my arm and i had to go get it treated. Made up some lie about falling down the stairs. Mum has no fucking clue! As long as he fucks her every night she doesnt give a shit. It hurt so much when he did it last night... its so fucking unfair!

Mark wasnt allowed to see me in hospital so as soon as we saw eachother we were at it. At least with Mark i know he loves me, and so when we do it i dont feel so fucking worthless. He saw my cuts though. He always asks why. He doesnt understand that i need it, that its the only thing that doesnt hurt on the inside. We got drunk that night and did it unprotected... i hope im not pregnant! Theres no way in the world i can get an abortion without them knowing what my father and my boss have done to me. I shouldnt be... but if i am well im sure my parents will be over joyed. They already think im a hopeless failure. The first thing mum said to me when she saw me this morning was when the fuck are you going to get over your stupid little ways - your the ugliest fucking thing ive ever seen, and i found a condom in the bathroom... were you and your so called boyfriend fucking hey? Well let me tell you something you little slut, you ever do anything of the sort in this house again i will throw you out, you understand bitch? - charming hey? I wanted to scream at her and say its not my fucking condom you fuck, its Dads and you know why? cuz he fucks me! I would have done anything to say that - just to see the look on her face!

Anyway i havnt eaten since i got out and i dont plan to - i want to get back down to 77 maybe even lower. I hate this shit... why cant i weigh what i want! Its not like anyone cares anyway. Well Mark will be over soon so i better go....

Hope everyone is doing ok, Emz if you read this i promise to catch up soon!

<3 Maddy xx

Well, i think its about time i told my truths. My name is Maddy (short for Madison) and im 16 years old. I live in London, England and my aspiration is to be a famous singer/songwriter.

I have been anorexic for 4 years now - since i was 12. I've been hospitalized 3 times. I was also diagnosed with non-meloncholic depression when i was 10. Been hospitalized for that too after i tried to kill myself for the 4th time. I was sexually abused by my father, raped by my boss and emotionally abused by my mother. Ive been screwed up ever since i was young really.

There was only one time in my life when everything could have turned around... i was offered a recording contract a little over a year ago, and would have had an album out by now if my mother hadnt of deprived me of it.

I have a boyfriend.. his name is Mark and we have been together for 2 years on and off really.

Anyway thats pretty much the dot points of my life so far. I dont really know if there is a future for me... i guess we will see.

Im really looking for some friends who i can relate to and we can support eachother through everything that life may bring.

Until then, be strong,
<3 Maddy xx

Name - Maddy
Age - 16
Location - London, England
ED - ana
Time of ed - 4 years

HW - 115
LW - 80
CW - 87

Hey everyone, im new and just joined lj lookin for some friends who are also ana or mia or ednos... i just need some people i can relate to and maybe help a lil.

Feel free to add me... Ill post my story at a later date.

<3Maddy